Yesterday, I officially moved out of Los Angeles. Just over a year in the City of Angels, and my life has forever changed.
I moved to Los Angeles on a whim in late June of 2014, in search of change. I found myself being catapulted away from my former life. Sudden, drastic life changes took place in Spring of 2014 prior to the move. Many of these appeared to be out of my control, so much so that I knew there had to be a bigger reason for it all; the changes simply didn’t make sense at the time.
Although I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time, I seemed to be having what we would refer to as an “awakening,” smack in the middle of Hollywood, California. Signs were everywhere: people I met, articles I read, billboards I saw, conversations I overheard, internal feelings stirred up, rare nature sightings. I gradually opened my heart and mind to the signs, and they came flooding in.
I learned some tough lessons over the past 14 months. I uncovered wounds I had long tucked away, in hopes they would spare me the pain. Some of these wounds had been hidden for decades. What I hadn’t realized, was that pain suppressed over time, is still pain. It will linger until you address it. I created new wounds along the way, but with new thoughts and “mindful tools,” I quickly healed them.
I spent countless hours writing, working with healers, reading, communing in nature, surrendering to my emotions. Many days felt self-indulgent, as if I “should be more productive.” In reality, this healing process required a high level of devotion in order to be productive – in order to drastically change the trajectory of my life in such a short time. Alongside my intended changes, several other major changes occurred out of my control. I like to say, “In true Amanda style,” when I postpone making a decision, the decision will often be made for me – quite boldly.
At times I felt incredibly lost in Los Angeles, with my hands up in the air wondering what I was doing with this life. For the first time in 10 years in the workforce, I was without a structured job or steady income for months. I felt waves of panic and doubt. Only when I realized how blessed I am, was I able to transform thoughts of scarcity and doubt into overwhelming abundance. Not just financial abundance, but abundance of time, resources, relationships, and trust. I stopped beating myself up for so called “mistakes” of the past, and stopped incessantly worrying what the future holds. I surrendered to trusting that the Universe will always provide. I leaned in to trust.
Last night I sat with a dear friend as I packed my suitcases. We were reflecting on our journeys and dreaming of future possibilities. I picked up my key chain from a suitcase, and for the first time it was empty. No car, no home, just an empty keychain waiting to be filled. This time, instead of feeling panicked, I felt overwhelming fulfillment. To me, it symbolized emptying of the old – a former life, a former Self – and the potential to fill the future with anything I desire. To me, that is true abundance.
I met so many beautiful people who supported my journey. Some of them stayed briefly for days or weeks. Others I feel as though I’ll know for this entire lifetime. Without them, this journey may well have taken much longer and been quite a bit more difficult.
I have a faint recognition of the woman who arrived in Los Angeles last summer. Broken, afraid, desperate for change. I’ll hold a space for her in my heart, and embrace her for accepting this challenge with courage and grace. When I’m feeling doubtful, hopeless, lost, I can call her up as a reminder to trust the process.
My heart is filled with immense gratitude for all of you who have supported my journey thus far. I can imagine how this year of transformation may have looked to you. Thank you for holding the space for me to heal myself.
As for now, a new chapter is opening. Stay tuned…